Entropy

Oh no, we're not talking about Chemistry.

The concept of entropy has entered the domain of sociology, generally as a metaphor for chaos, disorder or dissipation of energy, rather than as a direct measure of thermodynamics.

A few months ago -- September, to be exact -- I entered a state of entropy... when I started questioning the decisions I did in the last year (or so). What I thought was a rock solid relationship was shook to the core, and it was never the same since then. I realized that that relationship was a lie. But I was in denial at first. Until someone disturbed my equilibrium.

"Kiss today goodbye... the sweetness and the sorrow..." was all I could utter as I walked under the starry night of Bonifacio High Street. "Wish me luck, the same to you..."

I was torn between giving up something I have been holding to, not out of love, but more of habit -- more of pride -- more of trying to fulfil a promise that was no longer valid. I promised that I will never leave, no matter what. But that night, I realized that circumstances are pushing me to break free of that promise. I decided to let the dust settle but took me all of four months before I finally did break free.

Now, I can feel the entropy again, quite unexpectedly. Am I ready for another shift in equilibrium?

Valentines Epiphany

It was the morning after of another Valentines day. As I lay in bed, watching the sun rise through the curtains, thoughts started filling my head. I hate having early morning worries, especially on a day like this -- a day before a major exam. For it'll surely keep me preoccupied instead of concentrating on what I should be concentrating on.

And preoccupied I was during the remainder of that morning. I started to think about what will happen now that the dust have settled after my seemingly peaceful break-up with my (now ex) boyfriend and if I'll continue fighting for this new 'thing' I have with the other guy that seemed to have popped out of nowhere.

I remember what he (the other guy) asked, "why are things so complicated?"

"Because you're an adult, and things will get even more complicated." was my answer.

And it brought me back to those past Valentines days that I spent 'alone' with my friends in Sunken garden, also asking that exact same question.

"Why are things so complicated?"

Then it dawned to me: Things get complicated so that we can see and appreciate the simpler things in life. For me, life's complications are my relationships with other people, medical school, and well... life here in the city, in general. Life's simplicities are visiting home, baking (though it can get complicated, too), and simply enjoying a good book in solitude.

We were sitting on the floor, I was holding him, then my thoughts brought me back to Sunken garden, now my question then -- and his question now -- was answered.

Life is complicated because we chose to leave the simple life. It is impossible to live in both. Because once you choose the former, it will definitely affect the latter. And no matter how much one promises never to change, change is inevitable, and the simple life is no more.

I realized that I have changed without me knowing. I learned to cope. I learned to fight the complexities of this life that I chose. He, however, is at the crossroads, reluctant to cross the road to where I am standing, waiting. But how will I tell him that he has to cross sooner rather than later or he'll be stuck at the crossroads forever?

Hop and Hop and Hop...

I have been postponing writing my new year blog for weeks already, and when the fireworks of the Chinese New Year started lighting up the polluted Manila skyline yesterday night, I knew that I had to write it sooner than later or the idea of writing it at all would be scrapped -- which does not really sit well with me because it sort of have been a tradition for several years now. And I really love holding on to tradition.

But somehow, inspiration did not kick in until now, if it has indeed kicked in. I can't find the right words to describe 2010 -- except for maybe "challenging". "Stagnation" could also be used. "Loss" will also pop up, for sure. I know they sound really negative words, but of course, "hope" and "faith" will follow. Yes, it was a hard year, from the moment it started, until the night I bade goodbye to it. I had a mixture of emotions and feelings that I shouldn't feel. I postponed making decisions which proved to be huge mistakes. I became passive-aggressive once again -- just like when I was in college. And in the last month that I have been thinking of what I will put in this blog, I knew that though I would still be writing this, it would be a lot different from what it usually contains.

There will be no mention of the people I was with or the things that transpired in the last year. No mention of the places I've been to or the things that I had. No mention of anything else but my gratitude for the blessings and good things that happened and regret for the things that I should have done.

And that's all there is to say.