Entropy

Oh no, we're not talking about Chemistry.

The concept of entropy has entered the domain of sociology, generally as a metaphor for chaos, disorder or dissipation of energy, rather than as a direct measure of thermodynamics.

A few months ago -- September, to be exact -- I entered a state of entropy... when I started questioning the decisions I did in the last year (or so). What I thought was a rock solid relationship was shook to the core, and it was never the same since then. I realized that that relationship was a lie. But I was in denial at first. Until someone disturbed my equilibrium.

"Kiss today goodbye... the sweetness and the sorrow..." was all I could utter as I walked under the starry night of Bonifacio High Street. "Wish me luck, the same to you..."

I was torn between giving up something I have been holding to, not out of love, but more of habit -- more of pride -- more of trying to fulfil a promise that was no longer valid. I promised that I will never leave, no matter what. But that night, I realized that circumstances are pushing me to break free of that promise. I decided to let the dust settle but took me all of four months before I finally did break free.

Now, I can feel the entropy again, quite unexpectedly. Am I ready for another shift in equilibrium?

Valentines Epiphany

It was the morning after of another Valentines day. As I lay in bed, watching the sun rise through the curtains, thoughts started filling my head. I hate having early morning worries, especially on a day like this -- a day before a major exam. For it'll surely keep me preoccupied instead of concentrating on what I should be concentrating on.

And preoccupied I was during the remainder of that morning. I started to think about what will happen now that the dust have settled after my seemingly peaceful break-up with my (now ex) boyfriend and if I'll continue fighting for this new 'thing' I have with the other guy that seemed to have popped out of nowhere.

I remember what he (the other guy) asked, "why are things so complicated?"

"Because you're an adult, and things will get even more complicated." was my answer.

And it brought me back to those past Valentines days that I spent 'alone' with my friends in Sunken garden, also asking that exact same question.

"Why are things so complicated?"

Then it dawned to me: Things get complicated so that we can see and appreciate the simpler things in life. For me, life's complications are my relationships with other people, medical school, and well... life here in the city, in general. Life's simplicities are visiting home, baking (though it can get complicated, too), and simply enjoying a good book in solitude.

We were sitting on the floor, I was holding him, then my thoughts brought me back to Sunken garden, now my question then -- and his question now -- was answered.

Life is complicated because we chose to leave the simple life. It is impossible to live in both. Because once you choose the former, it will definitely affect the latter. And no matter how much one promises never to change, change is inevitable, and the simple life is no more.

I realized that I have changed without me knowing. I learned to cope. I learned to fight the complexities of this life that I chose. He, however, is at the crossroads, reluctant to cross the road to where I am standing, waiting. But how will I tell him that he has to cross sooner rather than later or he'll be stuck at the crossroads forever?

Hop and Hop and Hop...

I have been postponing writing my new year blog for weeks already, and when the fireworks of the Chinese New Year started lighting up the polluted Manila skyline yesterday night, I knew that I had to write it sooner than later or the idea of writing it at all would be scrapped -- which does not really sit well with me because it sort of have been a tradition for several years now. And I really love holding on to tradition.

But somehow, inspiration did not kick in until now, if it has indeed kicked in. I can't find the right words to describe 2010 -- except for maybe "challenging". "Stagnation" could also be used. "Loss" will also pop up, for sure. I know they sound really negative words, but of course, "hope" and "faith" will follow. Yes, it was a hard year, from the moment it started, until the night I bade goodbye to it. I had a mixture of emotions and feelings that I shouldn't feel. I postponed making decisions which proved to be huge mistakes. I became passive-aggressive once again -- just like when I was in college. And in the last month that I have been thinking of what I will put in this blog, I knew that though I would still be writing this, it would be a lot different from what it usually contains.

There will be no mention of the people I was with or the things that transpired in the last year. No mention of the places I've been to or the things that I had. No mention of anything else but my gratitude for the blessings and good things that happened and regret for the things that I should have done.

And that's all there is to say.

Unorthodox Women

Unorthodox adj. Independent in behavior and thought

Breaking with tradition or convention

The gospel was one of my favorites, even in Theology Class. It talks about the genealogy of Jesus and how flawed it was. And roughly around a year ago, we discussed this particular passage in Theology Class. In Theology, we did not only discuss the flaws of His lineage but the women remarkable enough to be mentioned in the line of men.

These four women, Tamar, Ruth, the wife of Uriah and Mary, four women who, even in a patriarchal society, earned their own place in history.

I don’t want to make wild claims and compare this simple woman from a rural provincial town to the likes of those four women. But if there is one resemblance I would like to cite and highlight it would be something that most other women would not even admit.

Like those four women, I, too, am flawed.

Trying to stand out in a sea of faces.

Physically, I have a flat nose, morena skin, bushy eyebrows and hardheaded acne. I’m also chubby. I stand 5’7” so that makes me a really big woman. A friend from UP once commented this on my friendster account: Wag niyo siyang babanggain, dahil isa siyang malaking babae. — Definitely not what our culture would define as pretty.

I also have terrible mood swings and a temper that can almost burn steel.

I am a shopaholic, I have mediocre grades, I’m a little sloppy, especially around exam week.

I am not domesticated. I kick dogs for fun. I am terribly afraid of cats. I can be very rude when I want to and with a little tinge (okay maybe a lot) of naughtiness.

Yes, I am flawed. And it is not something I am ashamed of.

Maybe that is why I love hearing or reading that passage. Because of all characters in the Bible, I can definitely relate to them.

I am also lucky enough to surround myself with women achievers. My bestfriend since I can remember recently earned her PhD degree. My bestfriend from college, won the Bb. Lex title last year and is on her way to being a lawyer. And I, well, am trying to live outside the box and be a doctor in a male-dominated specialty. We refuse to be defined by our sexes and try to achieve more that what biology destined us to do.

Our Parish Priest commented a couple of years ago that it would take a real man to tame the woman named Noah. I would beg to disagree. He doesn’t have to tame me, he just needs to keep up.

CBCP YEAR OF THE YOUTH Launch

It was only a few weeks ago when I found out that this Liturgucal Year has been proclaimed by the CBCP as the National Year of the Youth. So without wasting any more time, we dived in and started making plans on how to raise money to fund our year. Our half-baked idea of building a small bamboo Christmas tree (which personally, I think will be a nuisance wherever we would try to put it) was upgraded to a 30-foot all-steel outdoor Christmas tree, with a kick-ass solicitation letter to match.

There were whispers of intrigues shrouding our fundraiser that almost made my co-leader shut the project down. But who would dare scorn a woman such as myself to make me want to scrap a wonderful idea all together? After much pep talk and a few chosen spicy comments thrown at strategic times, our tree stood up beyond our expectations. True to the theme of the YOTY, that standing firm in what you believe in and keeping that love in all the things you do will truly bring one to astonishing heights.

So last Dec 15, we formally launched the CBCP Year of the Youth and lighted up our Tree of Thanksgiving. The tree, donned with locally made parols and with lights pointing up to the sky, keeps all of us looking up to our ambitions and aspirations beyond the stars. The three spotlights that give the tree a yellow glow signifies that this year, the spotlight is on us -- the Parish Youth.

Remember... we are never too young to come as one to make a stand.

Five Years

Hold on little girl...
Show me what he's done to you
Stand up little girl...
A broken heart can't be that bad
When it's through, it's through
Fate will twist the both of you

I never wished ill tidings for the people who wronged me in the past. I am a firm believer of the cosmic rule on karma as well as the Golden Rule. I also believe in the law of averages. Especially now, more than ever.

As most of my friends know, five years ago, I went on a downhill spiral. Those were the days when I would find myself hanging around the Sunken Garden from late afternoon to early evening. Trying desperately to find direction. During those times, with my DLRC friends, slowly, I learned to get up again and starting with tiny baby steps, I learned to move on.

Now, I'm walking with big strides, and even strutting at times, I was forced to stop for a while, and look at what I've left.

It's true that sometimes, karma does bites us in the ass. Which reminded me of one particular night in Sunken, "my boys" and I were singing acoustic -- we love singing -- and I think we sang this song. It was supposed to mean something then... but it means a lot now.

The stanzas of the song pretty much said it.

About A Teacher

There was once a teacher, she was relatively new, it was her first year of teaching and she found out that a student cheated on one of her exams. She came walking into the classroom with a very disappointed face and a stack of bluebooks in her arms.

"Class, I found out that one of you have been cheating. Please do not do that again."

I felt pity for her. Maybe because she looked so young and naive. But then she continued talking, which basically turned me off.

"Sa tingin niyo hindi ko malalaman? Kaya nga ako ang teacher niyo eh, kasi mas matalino ako sa inyo."

Now THAT is uncalled for. I don't think she should have said that to a roomful of UP students who may not be as good as her in the subject that she was teaching but they're probably better than her in a lot of other things.

I used to really like her, but after that remark, I sort of changed my mind.

NOT THAT I ENCOURAGE CHEATING -- I DON'T. Just so we're clear: Cheating is bad. Cheaters go to hell. Okay?

I found that remark a little insulting. Okay so maybe it struck a chord and hurt my pride. But still she shouldn't have said that.

Recently, I heard she got herself in some sort of shameful mess. At least, shameful for a teacher.

And upon checking, my friends in that class are doing relatively fine. And just so we're clear again, we weren't the ones who cheated.

So, allow me to gloat. From one of the members of THAT class who she easily judged as intellectually less than her, who's smarter now?